We’ll sit for days and talk about things important to us like whatever...

Getting to know oneself can be a frightening and demoralizing experience. I know it has been in my case. I've always believed in the aphorism “know thyself,” but it's kind of a drag since it became my only day-to-day project. I've spent a year now doing nothing but looking inward. I feel like I've learned nothing substantial, but that can't be true. More likely I've discovered too much and simply can't deal with it all right now. I think I negotiated most of the madness, which is nice, but now what am I left with?

More than anything, I've discovered I'm afraid. It feels like the only thing I have left is fear itself. I suspect that most people are ruled by fear, but I know for sure that I am. I'm afraid of who I am, what I've done, and what I might do tomorrow. I'm afraid most of all of failure, however defined. How does one conquer fear? I'm not sure... None of the usual tricks have proved very helpful. You can't just ignore it, but there must be some way to find a happy medium between crippling fear and brash self-confidence. None of the usual touchstones seem left for me. Identity? I systematically destroyed that in endless bouts of self-loathing and self-pity over the past year. My place and purpose are gone, and they aren't exactly something you can discover under the first rock you kick over. It is hard to conquer fear when you don't believe in yourself. The rebuilding process is ongoing, but it might take years. Others? Amazingly enough, people will leave you alone if you make yourself unavailable. Besides, others can carry you only so far. Each of us must fundamentally go through life on our own. That was a hard one for me to accept, but I think I've finally come to terms with it.

So what can I do now? I need to get off my ass and confront the world again. For now, I will just ignore the fear. Or better yet, live because of the fear. Turn it to my own purposes. Dwell in that fear, try new things, and test myself. I'll quit making excuses. I will cease the demoralizing process of constant self-examination. I'm not going to kill myself, so I have to live. I will not find all the answers I need by myself, in my own mind, or between the covers of books. I need to become a fearless explorer again. I must remember balance. There is the world inside me, but I must embrace the ugly-beautiful one on the outside as well. I'm sure there will be missteps, steps backwards, and days of doubt, but I'm sick of being bored and lonely and afraid. I need to rededicate myself to the goals I had when I left Ohio. Even if I declare myself a lost cause, and I haven't, I can still help others. If I can't sell it, I'll give it away for free. It is all a game, the rules of which I will endeavor to learn well, even without knowing if the game will ever stir my heart.

Prima, quae vitam dedit, hora, carpsit.

Carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis: cinis et manes et fabula fies

"Crito, I owe a chicken to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?"

I can tell my last entry generated some concern. Very sorry about that. I meant to post a more timely response, but I caught the plague on Sunday and spent the past few days in a fever induced delirium. A few things: Otto, I always really appreciate the advice. I look forward to seeing you soon as well. Maybe we can finally get this all figured out. Andy, you might see me soon enough. Maybe after my bike trip in April? Alas, Charlotte is not really turning out to be all that I hoped it might. (Then again, I haven't either, so who am I to fault an entire city?) To my pseudo-anonymous guest: I'm not sure I'd give you that Baudelaire is full of shit (or sh*t as you say). However, I'd never say that he knows everything. He does seem like a pretty talented guy though. Oddly enough I posted his comment because I thought it was an unfair take on stoicism. The few quotes from Epictetus and others demonstrate quite clearly that stoicism doesn't really advocate suicide. Like I said, I thought it was just a funny rejoinder. You should know, p.-a. poster, that I have a twisted sense of humor. (On a personal note b.t.w.: Happy birthday. You didn't think that I forgot, did you? Hopefully you'll pardon the lack of an official salutation, but I think that is the way you want it. I spent several days making you a birthday present, but I decided not to send it. Anyway...)

I guess my point, if I really have a point, is that stoic philosophy advocates a very tough middle road through life. Joy and fulfillment are essentially unattainable, or at the very least ephemeral, and perhaps more importantly, one shouldn't even bother seeking them. The upshot is that a stoic approach can really help you handle the terrible aspects of life. Unfortunately, as my post pointed out, I feel (what an ironic word choice) that I fall far short of the ideal. I'm an emotional being. For better or worse, I experience emotions very strongly and react to the world around me. Usually to an unhealthy degree. I don't know if I will ever be able to elevate my rational side above my emotional side. Maybe it's just the way I am. And I think the stoics would understand that, even if they don't approve.