Getting to know oneself can be a frightening and demoralizing experience. I know it has been in my case. I've always believed in the aphorism “know thyself,” but it's kind of a drag since it became my only day-to-day project. I've spent a year now doing nothing but looking inward. I feel like I've learned nothing substantial, but that can't be true. More likely I've discovered too much and simply can't deal with it all right now. I think I negotiated most of the madness, which is nice, but now what am I left with?
More than anything, I've discovered I'm afraid. It feels like the only thing I have left is fear itself. I suspect that most people are ruled by fear, but I know for sure that I am. I'm afraid of who I am, what I've done, and what I might do tomorrow. I'm afraid most of all of failure, however defined. How does one conquer fear? I'm not sure... None of the usual tricks have proved very helpful. You can't just ignore it, but there must be some way to find a happy medium between crippling fear and brash self-confidence. None of the usual touchstones seem left for me. Identity? I systematically destroyed that in endless bouts of self-loathing and self-pity over the past year. My place and purpose are gone, and they aren't exactly something you can discover under the first rock you kick over. It is hard to conquer fear when you don't believe in yourself. The rebuilding process is ongoing, but it might take years. Others? Amazingly enough, people will leave you alone if you make yourself unavailable. Besides, others can carry you only so far. Each of us must fundamentally go through life on our own. That was a hard one for me to accept, but I think I've finally come to terms with it.
So what can I do now? I need to get off my ass and confront the world again. For now, I will just ignore the fear. Or better yet, live because of the fear. Turn it to my own purposes. Dwell in that fear, try new things, and test myself. I'll quit making excuses. I will cease the demoralizing process of constant self-examination. I'm not going to kill myself, so I have to live. I will not find all the answers I need by myself, in my own mind, or between the covers of books. I need to become a fearless explorer again. I must remember balance. There is the world inside me, but I must embrace the ugly-beautiful one on the outside as well. I'm sure there will be missteps, steps backwards, and days of doubt, but I'm sick of being bored and lonely and afraid. I need to rededicate myself to the goals I had when I left Ohio. Even if I declare myself a lost cause, and I haven't, I can still help others. If I can't sell it, I'll give it away for free. It is all a game, the rules of which I will endeavor to learn well, even without knowing if the game will ever stir my heart.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Prima, quae vitam dedit, hora, carpsit.
Carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis: cinis et manes et fabula fies
Quod vivis: cinis et manes et fabula fies
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
"Crito, I owe a chicken to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?"
I can tell my last entry generated some concern. Very sorry about that. I meant to post a more timely response, but I caught the plague on Sunday and spent the past few days in a fever induced delirium. A few things: Otto, I always really appreciate the advice. I look forward to seeing you soon as well. Maybe we can finally get this all figured out. Andy, you might see me soon enough. Maybe after my bike trip in April? Alas, Charlotte is not really turning out to be all that I hoped it might. (Then again, I haven't either, so who am I to fault an entire city?) To my pseudo-anonymous guest: I'm not sure I'd give you that Baudelaire is full of shit (or sh*t as you say). However, I'd never say that he knows everything. He does seem like a pretty talented guy though. Oddly enough I posted his comment because I thought it was an unfair take on stoicism. The few quotes from Epictetus and others demonstrate quite clearly that stoicism doesn't really advocate suicide. Like I said, I thought it was just a funny rejoinder. You should know, p.-a. poster, that I have a twisted sense of humor. (On a personal note b.t.w.: Happy birthday. You didn't think that I forgot, did you? Hopefully you'll pardon the lack of an official salutation, but I think that is the way you want it. I spent several days making you a birthday present, but I decided not to send it. Anyway...)
I guess my point, if I really have a point, is that stoic philosophy advocates a very tough middle road through life. Joy and fulfillment are essentially unattainable, or at the very least ephemeral, and perhaps more importantly, one shouldn't even bother seeking them. The upshot is that a stoic approach can really help you handle the terrible aspects of life. Unfortunately, as my post pointed out, I feel (what an ironic word choice) that I fall far short of the ideal. I'm an emotional being. For better or worse, I experience emotions very strongly and react to the world around me. Usually to an unhealthy degree. I don't know if I will ever be able to elevate my rational side above my emotional side. Maybe it's just the way I am. And I think the stoics would understand that, even if they don't approve.
I guess my point, if I really have a point, is that stoic philosophy advocates a very tough middle road through life. Joy and fulfillment are essentially unattainable, or at the very least ephemeral, and perhaps more importantly, one shouldn't even bother seeking them. The upshot is that a stoic approach can really help you handle the terrible aspects of life. Unfortunately, as my post pointed out, I feel (what an ironic word choice) that I fall far short of the ideal. I'm an emotional being. For better or worse, I experience emotions very strongly and react to the world around me. Usually to an unhealthy degree. I don't know if I will ever be able to elevate my rational side above my emotional side. Maybe it's just the way I am. And I think the stoics would understand that, even if they don't approve.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I must die. But must I die bawling?
“We must learn to strengthen self-restraint, curb luxury, temper ambition, moderate anger, view poverty calmly, cultivate frugality, use readily available remedies for natural desires, keep restive aspirations and a mind intent upon the future under lock and key, and make it our business to get our riches from ourselves rather than from Fortune.”
“We are all chained to Fortune. All life is bondage. Man must therefore habituate himself to his condition, complain of it as little as possible, and grasp whatever good lies within his reach. No situation is so harsh that a dispassionate mind cannot find some consolation in it... Apply good sense to your problems; the hard can be softened, the narrow widened, and the heavy made lighter by the skillful bearer. Our desires, moreover, must not be set wandering far afield; since they cannot be wholly confined, we may give them an airing in the immediate vicinity. What cannot be or can hardly be we should leave alone, and follow what is near at hand and in reach of hope, but in the knowledge that all alike are trivial.”
---- Seneca
“Don't hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace.”
“For every challenge, remember the resources you have within you to cope with it. Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate.”
----- Epictetus
“'Poor me, because this happened to me.' No, say rather, 'Lucky me, because though this happened to me I'm still happy, neither broken by present circumstance nor afraid for the future.' Because the same thing could have happened to anyone, but not everyone could have remained content. So why is the former a misfortune any more than the latter is a blessing? Do you actually call anything a human misfortune that isn't a perversion of human nature? And don't you think a perversion of human nature must run counter to nature's will? Well, you understand its will. So does this misfortune prevent you in any way from being just, generous, sober, reasonable, careful, free from error, courteous, free, etc. - all of which together make human nature complete? Remember from now on whenever something tends to make you unhappy, draw on this principle: 'This is no misfortune; but bearing with it bravely is a blessing.'”
---- Marcus Aurelius
“Don't get attached to them and they won't be. Don't tell yourself that they're indispensable and they aren't. Those are the reflections you should recur to morning and night. Start with things are least valuable and most liable to be lost – things such as a jug or a glass – and proceed to apply the same ideas to clothes, pets, livestock, property; then to yourself, your body, the body's parts, your children, your siblings and your wife. Look on every side and mentally discard them. Purify your thoughts, in case of an attachment or devotion to something that doesn't belong to you and will hurt to have wrenched away. And as you exercise daily, do not say that you are philosophizing, but that you are a slave presenting your emancipator; because this is the genuine freedom that you cultivate.”
---- Epictetus
But all of this feels like bullshit to me. Just another impossible collection of pithy sayings. I'm no stoic. Diogenes would mock me with all the rest. How about some truth then? That at least might honor our philosophers. I am a liar and a thief and a coward. I'm weak and let my emotions overpower my resolve. I retreat in the face of difficulty or even more pathetically beg for absolution. I comfort no one, while I demand all that others have to give. I'm a hypocrite. A drunk. I follow my nature, and it is so very ugly.
I'm not sure that he is entirely right, but Baudelaire does have one pretty funny observation on the matter: “Stoicism is a religion with only one sacrament, suicide.”
“We are all chained to Fortune. All life is bondage. Man must therefore habituate himself to his condition, complain of it as little as possible, and grasp whatever good lies within his reach. No situation is so harsh that a dispassionate mind cannot find some consolation in it... Apply good sense to your problems; the hard can be softened, the narrow widened, and the heavy made lighter by the skillful bearer. Our desires, moreover, must not be set wandering far afield; since they cannot be wholly confined, we may give them an airing in the immediate vicinity. What cannot be or can hardly be we should leave alone, and follow what is near at hand and in reach of hope, but in the knowledge that all alike are trivial.”
---- Seneca
“Don't hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace.”
“For every challenge, remember the resources you have within you to cope with it. Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate.”
----- Epictetus
“'Poor me, because this happened to me.' No, say rather, 'Lucky me, because though this happened to me I'm still happy, neither broken by present circumstance nor afraid for the future.' Because the same thing could have happened to anyone, but not everyone could have remained content. So why is the former a misfortune any more than the latter is a blessing? Do you actually call anything a human misfortune that isn't a perversion of human nature? And don't you think a perversion of human nature must run counter to nature's will? Well, you understand its will. So does this misfortune prevent you in any way from being just, generous, sober, reasonable, careful, free from error, courteous, free, etc. - all of which together make human nature complete? Remember from now on whenever something tends to make you unhappy, draw on this principle: 'This is no misfortune; but bearing with it bravely is a blessing.'”
---- Marcus Aurelius
“Don't get attached to them and they won't be. Don't tell yourself that they're indispensable and they aren't. Those are the reflections you should recur to morning and night. Start with things are least valuable and most liable to be lost – things such as a jug or a glass – and proceed to apply the same ideas to clothes, pets, livestock, property; then to yourself, your body, the body's parts, your children, your siblings and your wife. Look on every side and mentally discard them. Purify your thoughts, in case of an attachment or devotion to something that doesn't belong to you and will hurt to have wrenched away. And as you exercise daily, do not say that you are philosophizing, but that you are a slave presenting your emancipator; because this is the genuine freedom that you cultivate.”
---- Epictetus
But all of this feels like bullshit to me. Just another impossible collection of pithy sayings. I'm no stoic. Diogenes would mock me with all the rest. How about some truth then? That at least might honor our philosophers. I am a liar and a thief and a coward. I'm weak and let my emotions overpower my resolve. I retreat in the face of difficulty or even more pathetically beg for absolution. I comfort no one, while I demand all that others have to give. I'm a hypocrite. A drunk. I follow my nature, and it is so very ugly.
I'm not sure that he is entirely right, but Baudelaire does have one pretty funny observation on the matter: “Stoicism is a religion with only one sacrament, suicide.”
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1.20.09: The End of an Error?
One king steps down and another takes his place. It doesn't really matter who is in charge because this country is doomed, DOOMED! Maybe I've been reading too much Toynbee lately, but I don't see how one man can possibly arrest the slow disintegration of our civilization. The economy is fucked. The middle class has finally seen the end of its entitlement. The best minds of our generation are waiting tables and pumping gas. We've proclaimed the deification of profit and consumption. Our government is a bloated bitch-goddess with an insatiable appetite for money and failure. We have enemies everywhere. Our culture is a pathetic rotten shell of its former self. Our society is morally bankrupt. We are actively working to destroy our environment. A man's greatest hope is to die quietly in bed surrounded by his stuff. We have no long term vision or planning. We're day to day and hand to mouth. I'm glad Obama has made “hope” a central pillar of his presidency, because that is all we really have left.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Champs-elysées
Je m' baladais sur l' avenue
Le coeur ouvert à l' inconnu
J' avais envie de dire bonjour
A n' importe qui
N' importe qui et ce fut toi
Je t' ai dit n' importe quoi
Il suffisait de te parler
Pour t' apprivoiser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil, sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées
Tu m' as dit : "Jai rendez-vous
dans un sous-sol avec des fous
qui vivent la guitare à la main
du soir au matin"
Alors je t' ai accompagnée
On a chanté, on a dansé
Et l' on a même pas pensé
A s' embrasser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées
Le coeur ouvert à l' inconnu
J' avais envie de dire bonjour
A n' importe qui
N' importe qui et ce fut toi
Je t' ai dit n' importe quoi
Il suffisait de te parler
Pour t' apprivoiser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil, sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées
Tu m' as dit : "Jai rendez-vous
dans un sous-sol avec des fous
qui vivent la guitare à la main
du soir au matin"
Alors je t' ai accompagnée
On a chanté, on a dansé
Et l' on a même pas pensé
A s' embrasser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
