Love Is A Mixed Tape

Sad Music For Sad People, Vol. 1:

Eliot Smith -- Rose Parade

Neutral Milk Hotel -- King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1

Grandaddy -- A.M. 180

The Shins -- New Slang

Sublime -- Scarlet Begonias

Nirvana -- Molly's Lips

Lagwagon -- Sleep

NOFX -- Monosyllabic Girl

Neutral Milk Hotel -- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Eric's Trip -- Stove

Grandaddy -- "Yeah" Is What We Had

The Beatles -- Cry Baby Cry

Modest Mouse -- Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset

Jets to Brazil -- Sea Anemone

The Beatles -- Don't Pass Me By

The Band -- The Weight

Jawbreaker -- Chesterfield King

Dropkick Murphys -- Upstarts And Broken Hearts (Live)

Wilco -- Misunderstood (Live)

Jawbreaker -- Ache

Here is the whole album playlist for the lazy: SMFSP, Vol. 1

I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZf9ncOQ2xM

The pumps don't work cause the Vandals took the handles

Curse you fortune! Just for future reference, you don't need to go out of your way to introduce misery into my life.

Thanks,

Josh

Four legs good, two legs bad!

http://blog.peta.org/

If I had a hammer...

I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters
All over this land

Well I've got a hammer
And I've got a bell
And I've got a song to sing
All over this land
It's the hammer of justice
It's the bell of freedom
It's the song about love between my brothers and my sisters
All over this land

A summer of funerals...

"We need to bestir ourselves; life will leave us behind unless we make haste; the days are fleeting by, carried away at a gallop, carrying us with them; we fail to realize the pace at which we are being swept along; here we are making comprehensive plans for the future and generally behaving as if we had all the leisure in the world when there are precipices all around us."

Here's to hoping Death doesn't bother to come in threes. Cheers.

When I get to the promised land I'm gonna shake the eye's hand

A few observations drawn from the past few days and months:

1) Dead bodies are very cold.

2) This economy sucks.

3) I hate myself most of all.

Try so hard to make it through the summer without breaking a sweat

I suddenly feel so much like Montreal, 2002. Not at all like September, 2005. Well maybe a little.

Revisions and gaps in history, etc.

If anyone needs me, I'll be up North burying the elder stateswoman of the Chapman clan.

Here, for no particular reason, is a fish I caught. Poor bastard. I threw him back:



And, just because:

The long, slow road to the middle

Man, I really know how this guy feels:

"Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years"

Thanks Otto!

Josh's List of Useful Phrases

A collection of my favorite pithy sayings:

“To death!” -- Said as a toast

“Look at him, he's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for ya.” -- An expression of contempt for unbelievable scenes in television and movies. Also, reflects the self-loathing of those us who can never meet the expectations of others.

“Feeling stupid? I know I am!” -- Usually said before someone does something stupid. An invitation to join in on the fun.

“Mistakes were made.” -- An observation delivered upon the behavior and choices of others. Can be applied in a motivational sense. A general reflection of the last ten years of my life.

“Just a bit outside!” -- A gentle way to let someone know that what they just said was highly inappropriate. Used liberally in conversations regarding who you would have sex with.

“Dynamite drop-in _________. Those years of broadcast school are really paying off.” -- Said to someone who tells a boring story or says something incredibly stupid at a party.

“We tried nothin' and we're all outta ideas.” -- Said during honest moments of self-reflection.

“Aim low kids. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed.” -- Follow this helpful bit of advice and you will never be disappointed.

“Prove me wrong kids.” -- Usually added after a brutally truthful remark on the human condition.

“If a stranger offers you a ride, I say take it.” -- Good advice to give to a friend.

“Blow it all on hats.” -- Sound financial advice.

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." -- Another fine toast.

“Gambling is the finest thing a person can do, IF he's good at it.” -- Truer words were never spoken.

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.” -- Applies when you're having too much fun.

“Yeah, I could do a lot of things...IF I had some money.” -- A witty rejoinder to well-meaning useless advice.

"He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit." -- Please don't ever forget that you are NOT that special.

Some bonus words to live by:

"All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more! But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have said to you in the course of your lives, and go out there and WIN!"

Remember, never tempt fate:

"There's no way I can lose this bet. Unless, of course, my nine all-stars fall victim to nine separate misfortunes and are unable to play tomorrow. But that will never happen! Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance. But nine misfortunes? I'd like to see that!"

*Please feel free to add you own.

liberation teleology

By the sweat of thy brow thou shalt earn thy bread:

Grand Lake at sunset:

Heavenly beauty, wish you were here, surely there must be some point to all of this, etc., etc.:

Take him to Detroit!

Here are some pictures from the May Day party at the Bohemian National Home in Detroit. Thrity bands in two nights. My ears won't stop ringing. It was a crazy fun time.

Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk

I don’t have much to say these days. I’m too tired from working to bother with thinking. And for that, I thank the fucking maker. In brief: I’m very happy to be back home. Things have truly come full circle and I find myself back in the “Fuhrer Bunker.” Most of the time, I’m left wondering why I ever left Michigan in the first place. Oh yeah, right, THAT whole thing. Whatever. As I like to say, I burned that bridge when I got to it. Anyway, the winters here suck and everyone talks shit about Detroit, but I feel like Dorothy in Kansas right now. I’ve been east and west, north and south, and there isn’t anywhere else I would rather be than right here. All the old dreams are gone. It is time to make some new ones.

Angry North Leaves the Dirty South: On the Road Again 2 Electric Boogaloo Edition

Just a quick note on my activities: My great love affair with North Carolina officially ends today. I think I can honestly say that the split was mutual. It really was a “it's not you, it's me” kind of thing on both sides. So, I'm packing the car this morning and heading back home to Michigan. Am I insane? Probably, but for some reason people up there think they can put me to work. I had some great times (and not so great times) here in Charlotte, but the forces at work in my life are telling me, “Head North, my son!” All energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet; I'd be a fool to defy him, etc...

Well, that's about it really. Maybe once I'm settled in I will write a full debriefing on my “Dirty South” experience, but for now I need to focus on yet another high speed burn across country. Destination: the post-apocalyptic ruins of our fair Detroit.

Adieu.

Mixing Memory and Desire

So, the powers that be have informed me that my OSU email account is being deleted tonight at midnight. I've spent the past hour or so poking around, trying to decide if anything was worth saving. Why on earth did I keep every email I received and sent during three years of grad school? 2236 emails demand my attention... some more than others, obviously. There are countless gems that might merit preservation and further reflection, but I'm sticking to my guns and reducing, rather than accumulating, emotional baggage.

I'll leave you, my kind readers, with this priceless bit of grad school nostalgia (which was perhaps far more prescient than the sender ever could have guessed):

Sully: "What do you say we run away together to some tropical island?"
Ruby: "There's about a thousand other guys I'd rather go with than you."
Sully: "Impossible. There are only a couple of hundred other guys in this town."
Ruby: "As long as there's one, you're shit out of luck."
-Richard Russo, "Nobody's Fool"

P.S. Very soon I will be enjoying Michigan left after Michigan left...

*P.S.S. Edit*: Upon further reflection, there is no way I can read through another 510 emails from my ex-girlfriend. I don't think it is healthy to swallow that much poison in one sitting... Unless it is in beer form (and I've got that covered)... or unless you're Socrates... or something. I'm glad the historian inside me is dead. Let the powers that be wash away 1,095 days of my history. Fuck it, it's not like it's the Library of Alexandria or anything.

And Now For Something Completely Different

It has been a pretty rough ride for us Pistons fans this season. Of course, the team has been stuck firmly in heartbreak territory since the heady days of the 2004 championship run, so we're fairly used to disappointment. The departure of Chauncey, however, marked the start of a whole new low for our favorite team. For the first time in five seasons the Pistons are playing at a .500 level. The acquisition of Allen Iverson and the removal of Rip from the starting lineup completely demolished what was left of our famous starting five and pushed the team into a craptastic tailspin of failure. People started to talk casually of missing the playoffs this year. The biggest disappointment was that our guys seemed to be playing like they didn't really care what was happening out on the court. For someone like me who has always felt some sort of vague cosmic connection between the Pistons' fortunes and my own, all signs pointed toward continued frustration followed by the inevitable big-time letdown of more wasted months.*

I'm happy to report, however, that the Pistons of old have returned in the past few weeks, going 5-2 against some tough teams. Perhaps most importantly to me, the games have simply been fun to watch. Old school grind-it-out basketball, the way it was meant to be played. The fact that the Pistons have been winning is an added bonus, but I'm just happy they are trying their hardest. Need I add that I've actively worked on letting my emotional attachment to the team fade a bit? Call it growing up or whatever, but I've realized the futility of finding happiness in things that are fundamentally influenced by forces outside of my control. So be it. For now, I'll watched the season with renewed interest, even as I remind myself that it's just a game.

* It's all dialectical, man. Forgive my failure to synthesize the irrational/rational, scientific/superstitious, religious/atheist, nihilistic/hopeful parts of my being into one coherent narrative.

We’ll sit for days and talk about things important to us like whatever...

Getting to know oneself can be a frightening and demoralizing experience. I know it has been in my case. I've always believed in the aphorism “know thyself,” but it's kind of a drag since it became my only day-to-day project. I've spent a year now doing nothing but looking inward. I feel like I've learned nothing substantial, but that can't be true. More likely I've discovered too much and simply can't deal with it all right now. I think I negotiated most of the madness, which is nice, but now what am I left with?

More than anything, I've discovered I'm afraid. It feels like the only thing I have left is fear itself. I suspect that most people are ruled by fear, but I know for sure that I am. I'm afraid of who I am, what I've done, and what I might do tomorrow. I'm afraid most of all of failure, however defined. How does one conquer fear? I'm not sure... None of the usual tricks have proved very helpful. You can't just ignore it, but there must be some way to find a happy medium between crippling fear and brash self-confidence. None of the usual touchstones seem left for me. Identity? I systematically destroyed that in endless bouts of self-loathing and self-pity over the past year. My place and purpose are gone, and they aren't exactly something you can discover under the first rock you kick over. It is hard to conquer fear when you don't believe in yourself. The rebuilding process is ongoing, but it might take years. Others? Amazingly enough, people will leave you alone if you make yourself unavailable. Besides, others can carry you only so far. Each of us must fundamentally go through life on our own. That was a hard one for me to accept, but I think I've finally come to terms with it.

So what can I do now? I need to get off my ass and confront the world again. For now, I will just ignore the fear. Or better yet, live because of the fear. Turn it to my own purposes. Dwell in that fear, try new things, and test myself. I'll quit making excuses. I will cease the demoralizing process of constant self-examination. I'm not going to kill myself, so I have to live. I will not find all the answers I need by myself, in my own mind, or between the covers of books. I need to become a fearless explorer again. I must remember balance. There is the world inside me, but I must embrace the ugly-beautiful one on the outside as well. I'm sure there will be missteps, steps backwards, and days of doubt, but I'm sick of being bored and lonely and afraid. I need to rededicate myself to the goals I had when I left Ohio. Even if I declare myself a lost cause, and I haven't, I can still help others. If I can't sell it, I'll give it away for free. It is all a game, the rules of which I will endeavor to learn well, even without knowing if the game will ever stir my heart.

Prima, quae vitam dedit, hora, carpsit.

Carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis: cinis et manes et fabula fies

"Crito, I owe a chicken to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?"

I can tell my last entry generated some concern. Very sorry about that. I meant to post a more timely response, but I caught the plague on Sunday and spent the past few days in a fever induced delirium. A few things: Otto, I always really appreciate the advice. I look forward to seeing you soon as well. Maybe we can finally get this all figured out. Andy, you might see me soon enough. Maybe after my bike trip in April? Alas, Charlotte is not really turning out to be all that I hoped it might. (Then again, I haven't either, so who am I to fault an entire city?) To my pseudo-anonymous guest: I'm not sure I'd give you that Baudelaire is full of shit (or sh*t as you say). However, I'd never say that he knows everything. He does seem like a pretty talented guy though. Oddly enough I posted his comment because I thought it was an unfair take on stoicism. The few quotes from Epictetus and others demonstrate quite clearly that stoicism doesn't really advocate suicide. Like I said, I thought it was just a funny rejoinder. You should know, p.-a. poster, that I have a twisted sense of humor. (On a personal note b.t.w.: Happy birthday. You didn't think that I forgot, did you? Hopefully you'll pardon the lack of an official salutation, but I think that is the way you want it. I spent several days making you a birthday present, but I decided not to send it. Anyway...)

I guess my point, if I really have a point, is that stoic philosophy advocates a very tough middle road through life. Joy and fulfillment are essentially unattainable, or at the very least ephemeral, and perhaps more importantly, one shouldn't even bother seeking them. The upshot is that a stoic approach can really help you handle the terrible aspects of life. Unfortunately, as my post pointed out, I feel (what an ironic word choice) that I fall far short of the ideal. I'm an emotional being. For better or worse, I experience emotions very strongly and react to the world around me. Usually to an unhealthy degree. I don't know if I will ever be able to elevate my rational side above my emotional side. Maybe it's just the way I am. And I think the stoics would understand that, even if they don't approve.

I must die. But must I die bawling?

“We must learn to strengthen self-restraint, curb luxury, temper ambition, moderate anger, view poverty calmly, cultivate frugality, use readily available remedies for natural desires, keep restive aspirations and a mind intent upon the future under lock and key, and make it our business to get our riches from ourselves rather than from Fortune.”

“We are all chained to Fortune. All life is bondage. Man must therefore habituate himself to his condition, complain of it as little as possible, and grasp whatever good lies within his reach. No situation is so harsh that a dispassionate mind cannot find some consolation in it... Apply good sense to your problems; the hard can be softened, the narrow widened, and the heavy made lighter by the skillful bearer. Our desires, moreover, must not be set wandering far afield; since they cannot be wholly confined, we may give them an airing in the immediate vicinity. What cannot be or can hardly be we should leave alone, and follow what is near at hand and in reach of hope, but in the knowledge that all alike are trivial.”

---- Seneca

“Don't hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace.”

“For every challenge, remember the resources you have within you to cope with it. Provoked by the sight of a beautiful woman, you will discover within you the contrary power of self-restraint. Faced with pain, you will discover the power of endurance. If you are insulted, you will discover patience. In time, you will grow to be confident that there is not a single impression that you will not have the moral means to tolerate.”

----- Epictetus

“'Poor me, because this happened to me.' No, say rather, 'Lucky me, because though this happened to me I'm still happy, neither broken by present circumstance nor afraid for the future.' Because the same thing could have happened to anyone, but not everyone could have remained content. So why is the former a misfortune any more than the latter is a blessing? Do you actually call anything a human misfortune that isn't a perversion of human nature? And don't you think a perversion of human nature must run counter to nature's will? Well, you understand its will. So does this misfortune prevent you in any way from being just, generous, sober, reasonable, careful, free from error, courteous, free, etc. - all of which together make human nature complete? Remember from now on whenever something tends to make you unhappy, draw on this principle: 'This is no misfortune; but bearing with it bravely is a blessing.'”

---- Marcus Aurelius

“Don't get attached to them and they won't be. Don't tell yourself that they're indispensable and they aren't. Those are the reflections you should recur to morning and night. Start with things are least valuable and most liable to be lost – things such as a jug or a glass – and proceed to apply the same ideas to clothes, pets, livestock, property; then to yourself, your body, the body's parts, your children, your siblings and your wife. Look on every side and mentally discard them. Purify your thoughts, in case of an attachment or devotion to something that doesn't belong to you and will hurt to have wrenched away. And as you exercise daily, do not say that you are philosophizing, but that you are a slave presenting your emancipator; because this is the genuine freedom that you cultivate.”

---- Epictetus

But all of this feels like bullshit to me. Just another impossible collection of pithy sayings. I'm no stoic. Diogenes would mock me with all the rest. How about some truth then? That at least might honor our philosophers. I am a liar and a thief and a coward. I'm weak and let my emotions overpower my resolve. I retreat in the face of difficulty or even more pathetically beg for absolution. I comfort no one, while I demand all that others have to give. I'm a hypocrite. A drunk. I follow my nature, and it is so very ugly.

I'm not sure that he is entirely right, but Baudelaire does have one pretty funny observation on the matter: “Stoicism is a religion with only one sacrament, suicide.”

I'll be drinking booze for breakfast...

that is all. Not really.

1.20.09: The End of an Error?

One king steps down and another takes his place. It doesn't really matter who is in charge because this country is doomed, DOOMED! Maybe I've been reading too much Toynbee lately, but I don't see how one man can possibly arrest the slow disintegration of our civilization. The economy is fucked. The middle class has finally seen the end of its entitlement. The best minds of our generation are waiting tables and pumping gas. We've proclaimed the deification of profit and consumption. Our government is a bloated bitch-goddess with an insatiable appetite for money and failure. We have enemies everywhere. Our culture is a pathetic rotten shell of its former self. Our society is morally bankrupt. We are actively working to destroy our environment. A man's greatest hope is to die quietly in bed surrounded by his stuff. We have no long term vision or planning. We're day to day and hand to mouth. I'm glad Obama has made “hope” a central pillar of his presidency, because that is all we really have left.

Champs-elysées

Je m' baladais sur l' avenue
Le coeur ouvert à l' inconnu
J' avais envie de dire bonjour
A n' importe qui
N' importe qui et ce fut toi
Je t' ai dit n' importe quoi
Il suffisait de te parler
Pour t' apprivoiser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil, sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées
Tu m' as dit : "Jai rendez-vous
dans un sous-sol avec des fous
qui vivent la guitare à la main
du soir au matin"
Alors je t' ai accompagnée
On a chanté, on a dansé
Et l' on a même pas pensé
A s' embrasser
Aux Champs-Elysées
Aux Champs-Elysées
Au soleil sous la pluie
A midi ou à minuit
Il y a tout c' que vous voulez
Aux Champs-Elysées

Missing fishy flutter on it's rudder...

Boat on a hill, never going to sea.
Anchored to a fixer upper's dream.
This boat is beat, never gonna be a boat now.
Seems it never had a chance.
I wanna be a boat.
I wanna learn to swim.
Then I'll learn to float.
Then begin again.

The Wisdom of Christopher Moore...

"It's hard for me to stay in the moment. Without the past, where is the guilt? And without the future, where is the dread? And without guilt and dread, who am I?"

---- from Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

If you aren't reading Moore, you're missing out.

a poisoned place where nothing grows

A Nice End to a Foul Year

I'm glad that 2008 has passed. It wasn't exactly a banner year for old Josh. In fact, I think I could safely say that it was the worst year of my life. Hopefully there wasn't any permanent damage done. At least I feel pretty eager to move on in 2009. Fuck it.

Anyway, Michigan was a blast. Time spent with old friends and family boosted my spirits. Being home made me feel almost whole again.

Some pictures for your entertainment:



At the top of the hill:



Me crashed at the bottom:



Just before we all sniffed Cognac:



Sniffing Cognac is a bad idea:



Me saying something stupid:



I thought it might be fun to finish the hurricane punch:



Looks like I spilled some:



A New Year: